A few months back I posted this blog post about Waymonn, a man (and friend) who I photographed as my own version of Help-Portrait.
Waymonn recently shared his testimony with me and after reading it I asked him if I could share it with all of you.
Waymonn, I just wanted to let you know that I am so proud of you! We all are!
My Testimony
By Waymonn
"My life started out pretty
normal, until 1963 when my parents moved us from Park Hill and life in the
inner city to Westminster, life in the suburbs. My parents were both teachers
and they move to a school district where we would receive a good education. I
don’t fault them for that. They made a good living, provided for our every need
and we never wanted for any material thing. However, being the only black
family in the neighborhood and the only black kid in the class, what I wanted
was equality. I wanted to be treated like everyone else and given the same
opportunities as everyone else. But the fact is, I was different, the color of
my skin made me different on the outside and I was made to know this on the
inside. The prejudice and rejection came in the classroom, in sports and even
among my friends. At times the prejudice came from other parents, especially
when I began dating their daughters. The oppression I felt sunk deep into my
heart and began to believe I was different and unworthy of love and acceptance.
At
home, I was the youngest of three in a performance driven family. I grew up
competing against my older sister and brother for everything and learned to
perform at a level that was expected of me. I was told I had to work twice as
hard as the white kids in school, to be considered their equal. I began to
believe that I could only achieve acceptance through hard work and that I could
earn love. Unfortunately, I could not perform at the level I thought was
expected of me and felt like a failure. I began to lose my ambition for success
and believed I was unworthy of love. In my defense, I learned through hard work
I could obtain money and with that I could purchase friendship, acceptance and
even what I thought was love. As a young adult, I lived my life seeking self
gratification, the approval of others and through performance; I could purchase
love and respect.
This lifestyle afforded me great material wealth, but left my
heart empty and I desperately tried to fill it with things of this physical
world. My drinking went from beer to hard liquor. I began smoking pot at a
young age but my emptiness lead me to speed and then cocaine. I became addicted
to alcohol, destroyed two marriages and left a wake of damage in my past. As my
addiction progressed, I went from drinking in the bars to doing cocaine in the
strip clubs and ended up on the streets using crack, pimping prostitutes and
committing crimes to support my habit. It wasn’t long before I found myself in
trouble with the law and unable to stop drinking and using dope. I had brief
periods of forced sobriety. I was sentenced to Peer-1, a two year residential
behavior modification Program. After graduating and four years of sobriety, I
found myself no longer doing those program things that were keeping me clean
and sober. Basically the program ended, so I stopped programing. The brain
washing faded and I went back to the man I was before. They call it relapse,
when a man lapses back into old behavior. I call it a change of the mind not a
change of the heart.
So as I sat in jail, wondering what happened and wanting
to know the truth about addiction, I began to search for a power greater than
myself. This is when I first found God. The seed was planted and I became a
believer but that seed fell upon rocky ground. My heart was hard and the word
that was planted, withered and died. I found myself back at Peer-1 in a worse
condition than before. Rebellious and full of pride, I relapsed again, was
discharge from the program and sent to prison. After a year behind the walls, I
came out with a new attitude. I believed if I could stay busy working and tried
harder to stay clean and sober, I could succeed. This worked for a while. I
went from electrical foreman to owner/operator of JBR Electric. In three years,
I had a thriving business, but I was miserable on the inside. The emptiness I
felt in my heart, and the lack of satisfaction I found in trying to fill it,
was too much for me. The relapse prevention classes and all the UA’s in the
world couldn’t keep me from using. I used because I liked the way it made me
feel and all I felt on parole was emptiness, pain and misery. By this time,
even my addiction turned on me. Using was no longer fun and it became harder
and harder to get that high I was seeking. As I struggled to get high one
spring day, I came across a friend with some powder cocaine and I reverted back
to shooting dope. The day was Good Friday and right after I stuck the needle in
my arm, I knew I was in trouble. I overdosed! It was around 4:30 pm and as I
fell out, backwards, I cried out “OH GOD” The next thing I remember was waking
up on Sunday afternoon, in the hospital. I had been dead and in the grave for 3
days but by the grace of God, Jesus saves. I was living in a homeless shelter
and I looked like the walking dead, but I continued to use until I was arrested
again and sent back to prison.
Only because of God’s mercy and grace, I was
sent to prison that had a Faith Pod. This was a faith based recovery program
called The Basic Life Principles Program. This is where I learned the Word of
God, met Jesus Christ and began to study the Bible. It was like a year of Bible
College, only I couldn’t apply it to my life. I gained great head knowledge of
God and learned what Christ had done for me on the cross but I failed to
develop a personal relationship with Him and the desire to follow Him was not
in my heart. The 12 inches from my head to my heart, is the biggest foot in the
world.
I became a habitual relapser and spent the next five years going in and
out of prison, jail and the halfway house. I tried AA, NA , CA and then
Celebrate Recovery but I still had a reservation that I could beat this
addiction thing and use like a regular man, but I could not. I got to the point
where I wanted to stop using and I tried with all the will power I had but it
wasn’t enough. Probation and Parole couldn’t stop me from using; certainly the
Denver police couldn’t stop me as hard as they tried. Not even with six
felonies, and the threat of a 25 year habitual prison sentence, was unable to
stop drinking and using. But that’s when something powerful happened in my
life. I found a church called Victory Outreach and joined their men’s recovery
home. This was a recovery home where men are taught to live by spiritual
principles. I was disciple and began to develop a relationship with Jesus
Christ. After I left the recovery home, I progressed to the non-res and moved
into the Timothy House. Discipleship continued and we began to prepare for
ministry. My life was full and exciting. I was working full time, attending
church 3 to 4 times a week and a relapse prevention class for probation. I
thought I had this recovery thing down pat and I was once again in control of
my life. I met a woman, we fell in love and we got married and began to rebuild
our lives. But I forgot about my addiction and my focus and my heart left Jesus
and the world pulled me away. I became restless, irritable and discontent. My
life was once again miserable and out control and I was powerless to stop it.
My marriage fell apart, I got divorce # 3 and then I got high. For the next 2
years, I continued to live on self-will and I was seeking self-gratification
but not even alcohol and crack cocaine could ease my pain. My addiction, the
street life and homelessness beat me down to a point of willingness. It was a
cold February night, around 3 in the morning when Jesus saved me. All the crack
and booze was gone, the money was spent and there were no more victims to rob.
I hadn’t eaten in about 5 days, and I was in pain. My feet, my legs, my back,
my arms and my head all hurt but I was afraid to go lay down and sleep, I might
miss out on a mouthful of smoke. I was stuck on Capital Hill and had to keep
moving because I had a warrant for my arrest and I was ducking and dodging the
police. As I stood in the Wendy’s parking lot that cold lonely mourning, tired
and hungry, I tried to find some food in the trash dumpster. I climbed in to
find something to eat, but the dumpster was empty. I couldn’t even dumpster
dive successfully. That’s when it happen, I was beaten, I could not go on
living this way. I looked up to God and asked Him, God, you know how hard I’ve
worked to rebuild my life time after time. If this is all you have for me in
this life, relapse after relapse, I would rather be dead. Please God, take me
home, I no longer wanted to live. At that moment, I was broken and I died.
I
found my way to the Denver Rescue Mission, if only for a meal and mat on the
floor. The time was late February and it was cold out side, so I began to come
inside, night after night for the chapel service before dinner. And that’s when
I heard this still small voice in the back of my head. It was Jesus calling! I
was drawn to the alter and that is where I surrendered my will and my life and
I’ve never been the same since that night. I spoke with Chaplain J Earl and
joined The New Life Program.
My life has not been perfect, but it’s getting
better each and every day. There have been plenty of ups and downs, but I knew
my worst day clean would be far better than my best day using. With an honest
desire to stay clean, the support of the program, I was told to work out my own
salvation, with fear and trembling. So I began to work on myself. 1st I humbled
myself and returned to cocaine anonymous. I had seen this program work for many
an addict and I was willing to try anything. They told me I had to clean up the
wreckage of my past and keep my side of the street clean. I began to do this by
finding a sponsor and working the 12 steps of recovery as outlined in the Big
Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. With the guidance I’ve received from my sponsor,
my mentor and my chaplain, I try to the best of my ability, to live my life by
these spiritual principles. I’m not sure exactly when it happened, but
somewhere along the way, I became a disciple of Jesus Christ. I was not just a
believer and hearer of His Word; I became a follower and a doer of His Word. I
became more than a conqueror. What I have today is Christ, living in me. I’m a
new creation. The old Waymonn is gone and the new Way is here."
Elizabeth Fehringer | www.imagesbyelizabeth.com
